anniversary - continued

Despite my pre-anniversary "apprehension", when the day finally came, it threw me into such a depression that I couldn't write about it at the time. It was worse than I thought it would be.

The one good thing about the day was the beautiful weather which enabled me and our aide to take Vince to Mass at noon (it's very difficult to get Vince anywhere, so he doesn't go to church anymore - a visiting minister from the church brings him Communion every Sunday). We marked the day by both receiving Holy Communion on an anniversary for the first time. (At our wedding, which was a Catholic wedding, I was not to be a Catholic for five more years, so only Vince received Communion.) I felt good about that and the church was beautiful with the post-Easter flowers.

But a few hours later that afternoon, I just got so depressed and fell apart, crying and crying. Vince was having one of his less-alert days, so he wasn't talking at all, let alone being aware that we should be celebrating lasting together for 10 years of this catastrophic illness of his.

By that night, I was crying out my despair to my Facebook friends and the Well Spouse forum. Friends were supportive, but nothing could replace my husband's lack of ability to do anything! It seemed that the years of progress I had achieved as a Catholic with my new faith in God were just being destroyed - I wanted so much for our marriage to mean something and felt so EMPTY. The feelings I felt so strongly were EMPTINESS and BARRENNESS.

I had assumed I would have gotten us some gooey chocolate cake, which I like to do on special occasions, but I was afraid if I ate chocolate, I'd just get more depressed. I tried a glass of wine, which I rarely do, and it did nothing.

The next day was thankfully my granddaughter's 3rd birthday party which I was able to go to, and had a great time as I always do with my daughters and grandbabies. But that night I was losing it again, and just got angry at Vince's illness, angry that everything was so meaningless, and angry that there could be no celebration.

Then the next morning, Sunday morning, I realized that I was really out of balance, and needed to just do something for ME - like buy myself a gift or whatever. But I couldn't think of anything that would make me feel better - nothing in this world could replace my husband's lack of health. I realized that this was something only God could heal in me. Then I remembered that our church was having an extra hour of Confession that day because it was Divine Mercy Sunday. It's usually very difficult for me to get to Confession because hours are limited, and don't mesh really well with when my aides are here. But I went that Sunday afternoon, spoke to my priest, and he knew just what to say to turn me around again. It was amazing! God spoke through the priest, and was able to restore the positive perspective that I had worked and prayed for for several years. And I have been okay since then - and it's over a week later.

I get small bouts of depression now and then - who wouldn't with a husband whose mind has been taken from him as well as his physical abilities? But my walk with God has taught me that there really is another way to see this situation, and that I really am blessed in so many ways.

So this past weekend, I finally bought the big piece of gooey chocolate cake, and Vince and I shared it on Saturday and Sunday - with ice-cream. That was something we could both enjoy together, so I am thankful for that.