A Well Spouse Easter

Holidays are usually rough on well spouses, depending on how ill the ill spouse is. My husband is totally disabled in mind and body, so this tends to make holdiays even more depressing than regular days. The regular days have become more routine and less depressing as I have achieved a level of balance with my situation (at least for now, until the next crisis!).

Holidays get pretty lonely, though. I went to Mass this morning, anxious to see the church alive with flowers and joy after the solemness of Lent. It was mobbed, as I expected, and traffic getting in was difficult. But what I didn't expect was when I got into the church and it sounded like the bleachers at a sports event. Whereas at Mass, it is always quiet and most people come in and get down on their knees for some quiet prayer before Mass starts, today it was full of non-kneeling people chattering about everything except the Lord whose Resurrection we celebrate today.

Like one of my fellow well spouses who has called herself a curmudgeon after 30 years of caregiving, I was feeling curmudgeonly myself in church, and irritated that I could not have quiet time with Lord as I always do before Mass (that's what keeps me sane as a well spouse!). When Mass started, it quieted down and Mass was lovely. After Mass, I stayed a few minutes after the others had left to have my quiet time with the Lord. That was calming, and I didn't have to deal with the traffic getting out.

Now for the rest of the day. It is lonely seeing all the families at church, knowing they're going home for their "normal" family celebrations. My husband and I are alone today, except for our home health aides. I used to make holiday dinners for any of our children that were around, but I ran out of steam for that after a few years of caregiving. Any well spouse will understand that. Besides, my husband can't even eat the Easter lamb he used to have every year (he would make it - he was a great cook, way better than I am) - he chews meat and then never swallows it, so I have to then pry it out with a spoon. So, I don't give him meat anymore, except for hamburger, which we will have for our Easter dinner tonight - he loves that too.

Usually on holidays I try especially to be good to myself - try to relax in some way - play piano, watch TV, read - when the basic chores are done. I suppose I'll do that today. My husband doesn't care or isn't aware of holidays or anything, so he's just fine - always quiet and content. Barely talks. Ever.

So that's it! God is good and I know I'll be fine, and I'm not as depressed as I used to get on holidays. If I start to feel sad, or even cry, I know it's okay - it's normal to feel sad in my situation and I know that it passes. These days, I am okay more than non-okay, so I can deal with the sadness, by God's grace. I know that I can always read God's words in the Bible or prayer books - and that always comforts me. So I'm okay. I'm not alone - God is very much with me, and He is the best company one could have!