I am so glad we live in this century and not in past times when clothing was so uncomfortable and women needed shoes and purses to match every outfit. My husband and I have never been into haute couture, and now as ill and well spouses, respectively, I'm sure we're breaking every "fashion rule" there ever was. But in this situation, COMFORT reigns supreme.
I've realized that I can relieve some of my frequent caregiver's irritability by just putting on a looser pair of pants, putting my hair up, or taking off my shoes. My favorite attire is cotton sweats, jeans, tee shirts, knee-length workout capris, and anything that is cotton, solid-colored and loose. If I need to "dress up" for church or another occasion (which does not happen often in this caregiver's life), I wear pants that are not jeans or sweats, and add jewelry and a decent jacket or sweater.
Vince's wardrobe has been totally overhauled since I became his full-time caregiver several years ago. When he first became mostly immobile, he put on some weight, so all his clothing needed to be replaced. Plus, if he just sits all day and hardly goes anywhere, he needs to wear non-restricting clothing which is more comfortable for him and easier for me and the aides to change the Depends all day. So instead of the khakis and "regular" pants he used to wear, and button-down shirts, I got him elastic-waistband sweatpants, lightweight workout pants, and what they now call "lounge" pants for him to sleep in or wear during the day - heavier ones for winter, and lightweight ones for summer. Shirts are cotton tee shirts, long- or short-sleeved, and sweatshirts for winter. His clothing is all a few basic colors - blue, black, gray, brown, gold - that can be interchangeable.
In the past year or so, Vince has lost some of the weight he had gained, because his appetite has lessened. So, the same elastic waisted clothing still works. He's on the short side, so I just roll up the pants on the bottoms (I used to hem them at the start of his illness gig, but that got old quickly.)
So there are some compensations about having an ill husband who can't do anything. Our clothing budget is probably less than anyone's - our clothing comes mainly from Target and Old Navy, and I wear lots of hand-me-downs from my two daughters who tire quickly of their clothing and give it to me. I took Vince shopping for shoes several years ago and got a few pairs for going out. But at this point, the only outings he has are to doctors, so one pair of athletic shoes has been all he's needed. He wears slippers in the house and even on the odd occasion when the weather is okay for him to sit outside.
Another compensation for me is that I don't have to dress up. All the various jobs I had before I became a caregiver required only casual attire - I don't think I could stand a job where I had to dress in a suit or something "professional-looking" every day. I taught dance classes for 11 years, and really enjoyed the clothing that required - comfortable!!
I'm not sure why I'm even writing this blog - maybe to demonstrate that you don't have to stress over clothing or spend a lot of money on it in the well/ill spouse situation - after all, there have to be some POSITIVES in this not-so-pleasant lifestyle.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Business as UNusual
It took several years of aggravatingly hard work, but I have pretty much cleared up all the financial complexities that face the wife of a man who becomes mentally disabled and who, because of the encroaching disability which is not recognized at first, has gotten into lots of, well, financial complexities.
That is - except for the outstanding credit card that was still in Vince's name. He's had the card for 18 years, and for the past several years I have been authorized to use the card. HOWEVER, when I wanted to cancel the card because we don't need it anymore and haven't used it in years, the credit card company (ccc) would not do it without Vince's personal permission. I tried to explain to them that he was mentally disabled and speaking to him would yield no response from him, but that is the only way they would cancel the card.
So, after receiving several renewals of this card, today I decided to buckle down and play the game with the ccc. I got phone extensions for Vince and myself, called the ccc, went through the exhaustive menu until reaching a person. She confirmed that she would in fact need to speak to Vince and offered her condolences to me that he was ill. She asked Vince if he gave permission to cancel the card - of course he did not answer, so I had to keep saying "Just say YES." Finally he said "YES", which was all they needed. Done! But not so fast.......
The ccc rep politely explained to me that cancelling after such a long inactive period could harm Vince's credit report - even though we have perfect credit and the card was always paid off on time. What I think is that that was a ploy to get me to keep using the card. The rep tried several other ploys to get me to keep the card, like if I get to my limit on my other cards, I'd still have this one. No thank you, I said. I can't spend that much money.
I've gone through this charade before with Medicare and other companies that insist on speaking to Vince. I can understand that they are just protecting him, but on the other hand, who's to know if I just get another man to stand in for Vince on the phone?
Just another ridiculous hoop for the well spouse to jump through!! Keeps us in shape, right?
That is - except for the outstanding credit card that was still in Vince's name. He's had the card for 18 years, and for the past several years I have been authorized to use the card. HOWEVER, when I wanted to cancel the card because we don't need it anymore and haven't used it in years, the credit card company (ccc) would not do it without Vince's personal permission. I tried to explain to them that he was mentally disabled and speaking to him would yield no response from him, but that is the only way they would cancel the card.
So, after receiving several renewals of this card, today I decided to buckle down and play the game with the ccc. I got phone extensions for Vince and myself, called the ccc, went through the exhaustive menu until reaching a person. She confirmed that she would in fact need to speak to Vince and offered her condolences to me that he was ill. She asked Vince if he gave permission to cancel the card - of course he did not answer, so I had to keep saying "Just say YES." Finally he said "YES", which was all they needed. Done! But not so fast.......
The ccc rep politely explained to me that cancelling after such a long inactive period could harm Vince's credit report - even though we have perfect credit and the card was always paid off on time. What I think is that that was a ploy to get me to keep using the card. The rep tried several other ploys to get me to keep the card, like if I get to my limit on my other cards, I'd still have this one. No thank you, I said. I can't spend that much money.
I've gone through this charade before with Medicare and other companies that insist on speaking to Vince. I can understand that they are just protecting him, but on the other hand, who's to know if I just get another man to stand in for Vince on the phone?
Just another ridiculous hoop for the well spouse to jump through!! Keeps us in shape, right?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The MRI Vacation
You know you're a Well Spouse when you have an MRI and feel like you're on vacation!
Last week I had a breast MRI just for screening purposes (because my mother died of breast cancer), and it came out fine.
Once I got over the fear of dying from being injected with contrast dye (I was warned that death is possible from an allergic reaction, although it's never been reported!), I turned myself over to God and decided to enjoy the half hour of lying still. It was my first MRI, but I was not afraid of claustrophobia or the noise - I'd watched my husband have MRIs and it didn't seem that bad - no pain involved. And, it was kind of nice to be taken care of by all the attending medical technicians - just as long as I was not really sick.
So, into the narrow dark tube I went, putting everything from the natural world out of my mind, breathing rhythmically and peacefully, taking full advantage of this separation from caregiving, finances, chores, and all the woes of our troubled society. I kept yielding myself up to God, without any resistance, feeling sure that if the MRI did not come out well, it would be God's will and He would lead me through whatever I needed to deal with.
If I thought at all about this world, it was a few minutes of imagining I was lying on the beach and the MRI noise was the ocean rumbling beside me; the beach is my favorite place, and my husband's illness has kept me from "my" beach for years.
As the MRI ended and I rolled out of the tube, the attending technician asked if I were okay - I said, "Yes, it was like a vacation for me." She didn't know I was a caregiver, nor did she know anything about my less-than-charming daily life, so she probably thought I was some kind of nut. But I felt rested, peaceful, and cared for!
Last week I had a breast MRI just for screening purposes (because my mother died of breast cancer), and it came out fine.
Once I got over the fear of dying from being injected with contrast dye (I was warned that death is possible from an allergic reaction, although it's never been reported!), I turned myself over to God and decided to enjoy the half hour of lying still. It was my first MRI, but I was not afraid of claustrophobia or the noise - I'd watched my husband have MRIs and it didn't seem that bad - no pain involved. And, it was kind of nice to be taken care of by all the attending medical technicians - just as long as I was not really sick.
So, into the narrow dark tube I went, putting everything from the natural world out of my mind, breathing rhythmically and peacefully, taking full advantage of this separation from caregiving, finances, chores, and all the woes of our troubled society. I kept yielding myself up to God, without any resistance, feeling sure that if the MRI did not come out well, it would be God's will and He would lead me through whatever I needed to deal with.
If I thought at all about this world, it was a few minutes of imagining I was lying on the beach and the MRI noise was the ocean rumbling beside me; the beach is my favorite place, and my husband's illness has kept me from "my" beach for years.
As the MRI ended and I rolled out of the tube, the attending technician asked if I were okay - I said, "Yes, it was like a vacation for me." She didn't know I was a caregiver, nor did she know anything about my less-than-charming daily life, so she probably thought I was some kind of nut. But I felt rested, peaceful, and cared for!
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